Akatsuki Moments
by Killer-San
Summary: A collection of moments in the daily life of the Akatsuki. Meet Sakura as she clashes with the mentally insane and Hidan cooks pancakes in the nude.
1. Pancakes

**Disclaimer: I do not own naruto I promise. If I did, a lot of people wouldn't be dead.**

Sakura had been in the Akatsuki for three years now, escaping from the Leaf village one of her greatest feats. One of her greatest betrayals. Her reason was hurt, and boredom in all honesty. She had long outgrown the impossible dreams of that village. A world without war? Impossible. It was much more interesting to live here with the Akatsuki, in the long run. Where people danced naked in the firelight of the burning television, and the "feared" group all chased down the ice cream truck to beat the ice cream man into free popsicles.

Slowly she crawled out of the bedroom, slipped on clothing while dragging her feet and slouching. Monday mornings, Right?

It was an average morning, all she had to do was set up the medical room downstairs and wait for someone to get hurt, which almost always happened considering that she lived with a bunch of clumsy _idiots._ They recently had changed bases, and when they did so she had to create a new infirmary. That was her job of course, working in the infirmary if you were wondering. But eating breakfast was her job first.

"Good morning, Skank." Hidan called cheerily, seeing her enter the kitchen from the corner of his eyes as he cheerily flipped his breakfast food. (Pancakes.) Sakura took her seat, and turned up her nose, only able to see his apron from the angle she was sitting. It was interesting that he'd wear an apron, seeing as he was a psychotic asshole who jizzed at the mere mention of carnage and blood. Perhaps he was just a little bit normal?

It looked like no one was functioning except Hidan. Tobi and Deidara were passed out face down on the table, their drool dripping into Kakuzu's lap as they dreamed away in their own little fantasies.. Kisame, Itachi, Pein and Zetsu were off on a mission so we didn't have to deal with them this morning. But Kami only knows what hell that would be if they all were here, demanding breakfast from the Jashinist.

"Mornin' Hidan." She grumbled, flopping down next to Tobi. She was much too tired to think of an insult to fling back at him, not at the insane hour of ten o' clock. Hidan was humming as he flipped his pancakes. It smelt like blueberry actually. Sakura was intrigued, she hadn't known that he liked blueberry pancakes in the years that she had known him. Kakuzu himself was nodding off at the table, his arm crossed and newspaper in front of him, covered in the drool of two S-ranked criminals. And here everyone thought that Deidara and Tobi were attractive..

Hidan walked over with a plate of pancakes in his hand, humming like a house mom might while serving breakfast, stark naked except for the apron that said 'Kiss the Jashinist.'

"..."

Yeah, fuck the thought that Hidan was any sense of the word normal.  
Fuck that to canada and back.

Snickering, and pressing his fingers over his lips at Sakura, he leaned over still-asleep Kakuzu and set the plate of pancakes down with a clang that woke him up.

"Nngh..Huh? Oh thanks Hi-" Kakuzu was turning as he was talking and came face to face with Hidan's naked ass, seeing as Hidan had turned to pick up a fork previously dropped on the ground.

"W_hat the hell?_" Kakuzu fell out of his chair, which woke up Tobi and Deidara, who immediately looked up at Hidan and freaked the hell out. Sakura, of course, wasn't scared seeing as she had gotten used to things like this.. was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe while Tobi covered his mask hole with his hand and screamed about his virgin eyes and Deidara screamed about that image of Hidan's naked ass ruining his artistic skills in the future.

This was most likely the start of a new habit for Hidan.

"Dude why the fuck are you naked?" Kakuzu managed, holding back the taste of disgust and vomit back in his throat enough to speak.

Hidan shrugged and wiped some pancake batter off his apron.

"Tobi thinks Hidan's really gay and likes walking around naked."

Hidan smacked Tobi over his head with the pan a few minutes later, after a few angry curses and scoffed before walking to Sakura's side of the table to offer her some of his pancakes.

She reached over calmly, ignoring the idiots around her very easily, and grabbed a pancake from the plate in front of Kakuzu.

"Mm..Blueberry." It was actually pretty well done, for someone like Hidan. Normally no one enjoyed his cooking, but considering that no one enjoyed cooking at all, and Pain didn't like heavy spenders they didn't really have a choice in the matter.

"I'm glad at least one person fucking appreciates my cooking." Hidan shot a glare at Deidara.

"It's not my fault I don't like blood in my food, yeah."

The blond reached over and shoved a pancake in his mouth, chewing it slowly.

"I'm surprised it doesn't have bones, yeah."

There was a moment of silence, before hidan smacked him over the head with his pan and then continued his assault in a violent smack down between curses and pan-rapage that would bring Deidara down to the ground.

But Kakuzu, Tobi and Sakura didn't seem to mind as they munched down on the actually delicious pancakes. It was better than being chased by a psychopathic idiot with a hot pan, they supposed.

"You blond haired bitch, you better get the _fuck_ back here!"

Hidan 's flopped around in his laps around the kitchen table, and unfortunately everyone caught a view of his 'private areas' which made Kakuzu spit his pancakes up on his plate and hunch over himself screaming. Well, as you can imagine that caught Hidan's attention and he walked over to Kakuzu to see what was wrong, who was choking and looking at Hidan in a scared sort of way while Tobi hid under the table. The Silver haired Jashinist just didn't realize it. He was the one that was scary. Good lord..

And Hidan's ass, let me mind you, had a tattoo on it that said Shakira. With a little pink heart right next to it, right by the crack of his- Something else that none of us wanted to know.

Yes yes, Just another lovely fucking morning in the Akatsuki.

Dx. Damn it, If you're going to read this, at least review it for the laughs.


	2. Power Outage

**Disclaimer: I do not own naruto.**

Have you ever felt something was wrong when you go to sleep alone and wake up with someone else in your bed, or when you wake up in the middle of the night and someones clipping your toenails. Have you ever experienced that in your life?

No?

Sakura has. Feel her pain.

Sakura had made her way up the stairs to her bedroom slowly, tired after a three hour game of poker with Kakuzu. Something she wouldn't suggest engaging in unless you have a sudden need to be broke. She was grateful for the bed that she was about to lay in, glad that it would finally lull her deep into well deserved sleep. But, sad enough for our little cherry blossom, she wouldn't get much of that rest, because fifteen minutes after she fell asleep she would awake to a house full of girlish screams. She opened her eyes, groaning and rolled blindly out of the bed. Her lamp had gone out, and that was all she knew.

Actually, the power had gone out. If you hadn't guessed that yet.

"Nng..er...Deidaraaa! My bulb blew outtt!" She screamed from the floor, too lazy to move from her humble resting place.

No answer.

"Kakuzu?" She tried, instead.

No answer.

But the door swung open slightly, revealing Sakura to more darkness. It was actually kind of creepy. But she was a ninja, she wasn't supposed to have fear. Slowly she had to crawl onto the floor and to the door. It looked like an invading ninja cut the power and had already taken out the other Akatsuki members. She would have to get out of he-

Kakuzu shined a flashlight down on her and lifted an eyebrow under his mask.

"What the hell are you doing?" His eyes screamed disapproval, that he found her wriggling on the floor like a worm.

"I..errr..Nevermind."

He held his tanned hand out to her, and helped her off the ground.

"What's wrong with the lights?"

"Storm. Power went out."

He turned from her and left her in the dark, only stopping once to tell her to follow him and that some other members where downstairs. Sakura couldn't help but think he looked like a creepy caretaker in the dark though...without the limp though. His age was perfect for the part though! A flat 91 years old. Her mind wandered as her red nightgown's lace irritated her legs while she walked behind Kakuzu. It was making them itch, and she automatically wished that she had her warm fuzzy robe to sleep in. But, alas, she couldn't seem to find it...

She had found her way down the stairs and into the living room, where people had joined around and sat in a circle on the floor in their pajamas. It was actually kind of weird to see Itachi in flannel pajamas. Everyone had always thought he'd be one of those guys to sleep in his boxers, considering he had murdered an entire clan. The flannel pajama-ness seemed a bit sub par.

Tobi, Deidara, Kisame, Pein all sat yawning in their boxers. Kakuzu wore pants and Itachi, Zetsu and Sakura were the only ones wearing pajamas. Visions of the beautifully closed among the naked. Oh and of course, Hidan was butt ass naked as usual. The man really didn't like clothes.

"Hey Sakura-Chan! Sit next to Tobi!"

Tobi shoved Kisame into Hidan and patted the ground next to him enthusiastically as Sakura looked around the circle, very quiet. They sat in silence, trying to figure out what to do about the power. It wasn't like they could call up Verizon and get the Verizon dudes down to help with the power. Kakuzu had threatened them into giving them service anyway.

The only light they had was the small one Kakuzu had been using, and it sat in the middle pointing straight up, barely giving anyone any light around the room. Well, there enough light to see Hidan's dick of course. But the only one who was really looking was Itachi who had a face screwed up in disgust.

"Hidan. Why aren't you wearing fucking pants?" Kakuzu grumbled, also noticing the man's obvious erection.

Sakura could see the shadow of him shrugging and crossing his legs, much to our belief, to cover himself in the dark. Was the Jashinist actually ashamed of himself? Good lord.

"Clothes suck."

"Clothes keep you warm, dumb ass."

"Clothes still fucking suck, ass hat. And I don't wanna fuckin' wear pants. So shut the fuck up and suck a cock you old fag."

And that was that, for the five minutes that everyone stayed silent. Waiting for any chance that the power might switch on and they could sleep peacefully with their disney night lights.

"So..." The voice stretched from the dimly lit room. "What are we going to do?"

"Going back to bed sounds like a good idea, Uhn."

But Tobi squeaked, obviously thinking otherwise.

"But Tobi hates the dark! Tobi wants to stay!"

Hidan could hear the group of Akatsuki members sigh, and uncrossed his legs, ready to slap the fuck out of the hyper little boy.

"Dude Tobi. It's fucking three o'clock in the morning."

Apparently, telling Tobi off only made him want to complain further, and begin to throw a fit. In all honesty however, no one seemed to care if Tobi threw a hissy fit or not. Most got up to leave anyway, to escape the obnoxious whines.

"Well I'm going to bed." Pain stood up and walked out, followed by Itachi, Kakuzu and Hidan who apparently all agreed. Sakura agreed as well but.. she didn't really want to go upstairs. It was too much work to find her room upstairs in the dark, she decided. She didn't want to accidentally climb in bed with Pain or something...

And that's were all the fun suddenly started. It was just herself, Deidara, Tobi and Kisame, all sitting around the dim flashlight.

"What are we gunna do now then?" Kisame asked, yawning.

"No clue, uhn."

"Tobi thinks we should play a game."

"What game?" Sakura asked quietly, a little bit nervous at what game the men would pick. The last game was beer pong, and well, that didn't turn out all so well.

"We should play truth or dare, uhn."

Kisame leaned foreword towards the light, making his skin seem a bit paler than normal, with a grin that would have made any monster under your bed shiver in fear.

"We should."

His beady eyes slid over in the medic's direction, grinning so devious she was sort of swayed to decline to play. But she didn't, she nodded and looking in her direction, Tobi mimicked her move.

Bad idea. The group had forgotten how competitive Kisame was..

"Deidara. Truth or dare." He barked.

"..Dare, yeah."

Kisame raised his almost non-exsistant eyebrows.

"I dare you to dress like a woman tomorrow."

Deidara's eye twitched and he crossed his arms, huffing angrily. Sakura expected him to object, but he seemingly easily gave him.

"Fine, uhn."

Deidara looked at Tobi and grinned, then opened his mouth about to say something when out of the blue, Hidan walked downstairs... in a fluffy, pink robe.

"Hey do you guys know were the fuck the soap is? I'm trying to wash some blood out of the crevices of my ass."

Sakura could feel Tobi twitch next to her, probably disturbed by Hidan's mental image offering.

"Isn't that your robe Sakura, uhn?"

She looked at it a bit closer, even though she really didn't want to according to the stench, and saw that it was indeed her robe. Just covered in blood.

"You BITCH!"

She jumped at Hidan and he fell down into the glass copy table, moaning like she was raping him, instead of punching him square in the jaw.

"I love it when you get fucking rough."

Deidara and Kisame kind of backed away from that situation, Tobi along with them, and sat on the couch. But that did mean that they didn't wanna watch. They took the flash light and shined it on the two as she beat the shit out of Hidan, who eventually ripped the robe off and ran away screaming, again showing us his "Shakira" tattoo with two lovely unicorns fucking eachother on the cheek next to it.

Lovely. Just lovely.

And the morning wouldn't be much better when Deidara came down in a dress...


	3. Trannies, Frenching Flowers And Scalpels

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, promise.**

Deidara was in the bathroom when Sakura woke up, probably fussing over his hair. But it didn't help that Hidan had clogged up the other bathroom with hair from his back and that Kisame and Itachi were using the down stairs one. You'd think Pein would get a bathroom for women in the lair that they moved into, considering that Hidan was known for just randomly busting into the bathroom. Or atleast a lair with more bathrooms. The Akatsuki had at least ten members and three bathrooms just wasn't cutting it.

Sakura knocked on the door, rubbing her dark ringed eyes and yelling for him to get the fuck out of the bathroom before she slit his throat. Okay, maybe she had been around Hidan too long. She had barely gotten sleep last night after beating the shit out of Hidan and cutting him with glass, though, could you blame her for being a little pissy? A girl needs her beauty rest.

"Hurry up!"

"I'm busy, Uhn!"

"Doing what?"

"My hair, yeah."

Sakura karate-kicked open the door to a surprised Deidara, who stood in a short, frilly and purple cock-tail dress. And you know, if she really didn't have to piss, she might have taken a few minutes to laugh at him. No one had thought he would _actually_ wear the dress. But as Sakura kicked him out of the bathroom and did her business..she began to think about Deidara, and his frilly little dress. Where did he get it? Because it certainly wasn't one of hers.

She flushed the toilet and walked out of the bathroom and sighed ever so gently, fixing her cloak around her sides as she made her way down the hallway. She ran into Kisame and Itachi, however, and watched Itachi sipping out of a warm coffee cup in his hand. There was a moment of blank silence, before she smiled deviously at Kisame, wanting to get him back for all those mornings he'd woken her up in his own 'special' way. Naked, and in her own bed.

"So.. How's the sex?" Sakura uttered casually.

Itachi spit steaming hot coffee all over Kisame and she ran off laughing hysterically, almost falling down the stairs as she ran from the two angry S-rank criminals. Aah..this was just so much fun. Deidara was downstairs trying to get his dough-nut from Tobi, who had put his mask on upside down and was trying to eat the donut through his mask while laughing at Deidara's dress. He was so clueless sometimes..

The medic walked over and tugged off Tobi's mask, putting it on right side up and grabbed the baked treat, shoving the dough-nut in Deidara's mouth before walking by them and off into the infirmary. She was betting that if Kakuzu hadn't stitched Hidan up, that he would come down and come see her to get fixed up. And she was right, actually. He was sitting on one of the tables already (With clothes, thank god) But getting stitched up wasn't what he was interested in.

"Can you get something off my ass?"

A pink eyebrow was raised rather curiously at that.

"What's with you and your ass?"

"My ass is sexy."

"Riiight.. so..What's on your ass?"

"A tattoo. I want it gone."

"Err..we don't have the equipment though."

"Just cut the skin off my ass cheek then."

She kinda looked at Hidan funny, before picking up a bloodied scalpel and washing it in the sink. Hell, if he wanted someone to cut him she wasn't going to complain. She was still a bit pissed from his previous actions the night before.

"Lay down then."

And when she turned around he was naked. Again. For the billionth time that week.

"How the fuck do you take your clothes off so fast?

"I don't wear a fuckin' shirt or boxers. Just pants and my cloak."

"That's just..great Hidan."

Sakura was sorry she had even asked, she just felt bad for the person who did his laundry. She edged towards his ass after he flipped over on the operating table to reveal his ass, which was in fact rather nice aside from his tattoos. Closer and closer, closer and closer until.. the infirmary door swung open and there stood Deidara, a fork stuck in his arm! Sakura yelped at the intrusion, and her slipped, stabbing Hidan in the ass instead of just cutting the skin.

"Son of a BITCH!"

Hidan jumped off the table and ran right out the double doors while Deidara screamed, ripping the fork out of his arm and running off as well, his dress bouncing around him like a proper ladies might.

"I only wanted a band aid!"

This time Sakura didn't just _mentally_ slap herself. She really did slap herself. These guys were just..fucking stupid.

Sakura stepped from the room after washing her bloodied hands, and walked off into the living room to see Hidan bending over backwards, scratching at his ass, trying to pull the scalpel out of it.

"Do you see what you fucking did to me! You marred my beautiful ass!"

Indeed, she had marred his beautiful ass and she was sorry for it. But she only looked at him and shrugged before walking out the door and outside. It's not like she really, really gave a damn anyway. She could just look at Deidara's ass if she wanted an ass too look at.

She decided to spend hr afternoon in the garden, Zetsu did such a good job taking care of it. All the flowers bloomed so well, but she figured that was the normal outcome of spending most of your life tending to a garden. Of course it'll be beautiful. Oh, and did she mention that it was a huge garden? It normally took her hours to find Zetsu in the garden, if she was really looking for him. But today, let's just say that she found Zetsu very fast, and when she did, she lost him even faster than she had found him.

Two words, Flower sex.


	4. Little White Cat

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

Nothing was as scary as the day Itachi came back to the base with a kitten. _Nothing_. It was more disturbing to see him cooing over it than Hidan walking around naked and touching people with his dick in public.

It was only Sakura, Itachi and Kisame as they sat around the living room, watching TV. It was the Maury show, actually. Which was surprising since Kisame liked to watch Jerry Springer more than Maury considering people pole danced for beads and it was the closest thing to porn he could get without being beat up by Pain.

But Itachi and Sakura weren't really paying attention to the show, they were watching a small white kitten poke it's head out of Itachi's shirt. Silence ensued over the conversation (The conversation that hadn't ever started yet) except for the occasional 'Bitch!' from the television and the crunching of chips from Kisame.

"Sooo... What's the deal with the cat?"

Itachi just shrugged and Kisame shoved more chips in his mouth, watching some chick complain about this man who's 'her baby's daddy.'

"Okay then..." Itachi wasn't exactly conversation-oriented, if that point hadn't been made yet.

They sat in some more silence before the kitten started mewling pathetically from Itachi's shirt, and he started petting it on top of it's little white head to quiet it. Something told Sakura, however, that petting it would not soothe the little thing, considering that the screaming from the television was unsettling to even Sakura.

"Look you bitch! I ain't your father! Maury you tell this bitch!"

"Actually... You are the father."

"What the fuck? No I ain't no daddy, Maury!"

"Double negative, so you are."

Kisame burst out laughing, scaring the shit out of the kitten which then attached itself to Itachi's face, claws and all. It's little claws dug into his cheek and neck, and Itachi ran screaming around the living room. Completely out of character, we know, but even the coldest of men couldn't contain themselves when they had a frantic cat attached to their face.

Of course, Kisame just laughed at him while he freaked out which freaked the cat out more before Sakura got up and ripped it off his face, an annoyed expression apparent across her features.

The cat was actually pretty cute.. in Sakura's opinion anyway. She wasn't surprised Itachi had gotten attached to it. (Literally.) And she soon found herself rubbing her cheek against it's poor unsettled tummy.

"Aww... You don't like s-rank criminals, do you kitty. No you doonnn't, no you dooon't."

The cat seemed to respond with a mewl to her out of character cooes, while Itachi stood behind the pinkette, irritatedly rubbing his sore cheek.

"Awww... Did big bad Itachi scare the poor wittle babyyy."

Itachi looked at her for a moment longer, annoyed and ripped the cat out of my hands before going back to sit down. But that didn't exactly work, because after she shot Itachi a dirty look from across the room, the kitten started crying again. At first, he ignored it. But the cries got more pitiful as Kisame cranked the volume up as high as it could go on the television.

"Dude. Either ditch the cat or find out what's wrong with it."

"But, it wont leave me alone..."

Kisame grabbed the cat by the scruff and pulled it off Itachi, staring it down like someone might do in a show down.

"Why don't you feed it then, Itachi?"

"Dunno what cats eat."

Sakura sat back in her comfy chair, and watched them talk, amused by the fact that two S-rank criminals didn't know how to take care of one tiny animal.

"Don't they drink milk?"

"Yeah, Kisame but they need food too."

"We could feed it Hidan."

"She'd prolly get sick."

Kisame walked into the kitchen, completely forgetting his show, and poured the cat a bowl of milk which he set on the table. Then he lifted the cat up onto the table and watched it slowly approach the milk, seemingly worried that the kitten wouldn't take to the milk.

"You know...that cat is kinda of cute." He mumbled.

It sat back on it's haunches when it's milk was finished, licking the extra milk off of it's muzzle with her soft pink tongue. Then, satisfied, she jumped down on the counter and sauntered off into the base.

Such a cute little thing, of course she was a keeper.


	5. Who Killed The TV?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, I own you.**

The morning was shining, the flowers blooming, Tobi screaming on the lawn like a lunatic. A beautiful, normal morning. Where nothing was wrong. Nothing. Nothing at all.

_Not._

She'd already woken up to see the kitten being chased by Hidan, Kakuzu throwing a fit about the electric bill, Zetsu eating the mail man, Tobi rolling around on the lawn screaming while Deidara blew up cars and worst of all..

The television.

Her practical god, the only thing that saved her fellow members sorry asses from being killed by the hormonal woman..

Was gone.

Only little pieces survived, and chunks of wire. She could only think that Deidara did it. He had the explosive powers, right? But it could have been Hidan too.. Deidara loved to watch Rachael Ray with Sakura at mid-day. Hidan bitched about the TV all the time.

Sakura picked up her dropped bowl of cheerios that she had been _planning _to eat while watching her morning programs, and made her way to the laundry room where Hidan was trying to catch the kitten that had shit in his bed.

"You little fucker!"

He was jabbing through sheets of bedding and Itachi's clothing with his scythe, randomly throwing around baskets and yelling. Who knew that chaos could be created by one man?

She dived into the room and grabbed the kitten, who had stuffed itself in-between the washer and dryer and was pitifully mewling to get away from Hidan.

"Hidan, what the hell did you do to my television!"

"I didn't do shit." He turned around and rested his hands on his hips, narrowing his purple eyes at the short pinkette."Kakuzu would bitch at me for the expense and make me pay it. I like my hooker money, thank you."

Sakura took that moment to realize he actually had put his cloak on, a rare occasion which meant he either had a date, was going out on a mission."Oh my god..your not naked."

He raised a white eyebrow at me and his hands slid down to his sides.

"What?"

"Your not naked?" She threw her hands over her head in a moment of hysteria, dropping the kitten which ran of to Itachi's room, freaking out Hidan completely.

"Yeah. So fuckin' what?"

"Your always naked."

"I have a date."

Thought so. He never got dressed otherwise.

"Well..whats his name?"

"Her name is Sarah-_ What?_"

She ran off like hell, waiting for the fire she had just started to go off. Sakura dashed through the base like a fire cracker, jumping outside a lower floor window, and tripping over Tobi which shot off a special line of curses that Sakura had specially saved for the orange masked tard.

"Hellloooo Sakura-chan!"

She got up and brushed off her cloak, to look down at Tobi sprawled out on the grass.

"Tobi thinks that Deidara-Senpai's explosions are pretty."

"Do you know if Deidara exploded my television, Tobi-Kun?" I smiled sweetly.

"Nooo! Deidara just exploded Kakuzu's car. And the microwave..And Itachi's dresser.."

She rubbed her cheek, thinking as Tobi rambled on about what Deidara blew up today.

"..And then he blew up Kisame's smelly fishing pants. But not the TV! Deidara likes to watch his cooking shows!"

She nodded her head in agreement to that.

"Do you know who did?"

"Tobi dunno."

Sakura sighed and walked off, leaving them to blow up more crap that she didn't care about. Except if it was the television. Then she did care.. But Tobi already said that Deidara didn't.

It was time to consult Kakuzu about buying a new television, it seemed.

Slowly, and angrily Sakura made her way up the stairs, anger building deep down inside her stomach, only to run into Pain on the stairs.

"Do you know what happened to the television, Pain?" Sakura asked softly, sure that he wouldn't possibly know what it's fate had been. He was the Leader, not the television guy.

"Yeah. I smashed it with my hammer."

"Why?" Sakura snapped.

"Kisame ordered finding Nemo and was jacking off to it and hid the remote."

She looked at him blankly for about two seconds and then decided that she would whoop his ass. Fuck the thought that he was leader, he could go to hell.

"Buy me a new television!"

Her hands gripped into his orange hair, and slammed his head down into her knee, knocking him over.

"It-t's..t-to..expen-s-iv-"

Wrong answer, and she whammed her fist into his face, and snatched his wallet, before walking back down the stairs with a bit of attitude in her step. It was sort of sad, if you thought about it, considering that thousands of people had tried and couldn't even put a mark on Pain. She had broken his nose in about three minutes. But this just proved the fact that you shouldn't fuck with a woman's soaps.

"C'mon Kakuzu. I need you to talk the Best Buy guys into lowering the price." She said, a little too cheerily to the old man. Desperate House Wives was on at eight, and she just needed to know what happened to Bree and her new hot sexy boyfriend.


	6. Pregnant? For The Nemo Man?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

"Good morning Cherry blossom and all the dreams that inhabit her pink little head!"

Kisame threw the blinds open into Sakura's room, the light blinding her eyes.

"Sleeppp..nnggh..noo...ngggggh...go Kisameee.."

"Oh but Cherry Blossom.."

She felt his warm breath on her neck, smelling a bit like the fresh air from the sea, and she kept her eyes closed, attempting to roll over in her bed and ignore him.

"How can I leave you alone when we had sex last night?"

"Mm..go aw- wait. What!"

She was up and out of that bed faster than a dead man cums, Kisame's rumbling laughter following her like a ghost. She hated when she slept in too late. All those fucks always came up with ideas to ruin her nice sleep, and her nice little dreams. She was sick of it..So sick.. They always fucked up a good night.

That was when she thought up a plan, running around the house like a madwoman, just to cause a scene.

Oh Kisame would pay for all the mornings he'd messed up her lovely sleep..Oh how he'd pay.

"G'mornin'.." Pain mumbled as she ran past him, head buried in his newspaper. Quickly grabbed a bowl of fruit loops from the counter and dashed into the front yard, mumbling a subdued hello to Pain. You see, She was trying to learn how to turn these things against that blue faced fuck. She had made it halfway across the yard, pondering lightly on why she never saw Konan outside of Pain's office when a rather big something stopped her.

_"Hello Sakura-Chan!"_

She skidded to a stop, clad in pajamas with crazed eyes and one hand in the cereal box to see Zetsu was cheerily sitting in the yard at her feet, criss-cross, in what looked like a meditating stance. I noticed he didn't have his flytrap on, and he actually looked sort of like a normal person.

"Hellllo Zetsu!"

Sakura had to make herself look believable to turn Kisame's tricks back on himself though, so no time to ask about where it went.

"_What's wrong with you, You sound drunk."_

**_"You look kinda fucked up too."_**

_"That's not nice, Zetsu."_

_"**Apologies."**_

"I did something baddd."

**_"What's new? Your in an evil organization, kid."_**

"Reallly baddd.."

The white side raised a green eyebrow at the woman, baited.

_"Like what?"_

She inwardly smiled. She had got him interested. Perfect.

"Last night.." She faked sobbed, putting a little hysterics in her words. "I slept with someone."

"**_Who?"_**

"I-I.." She looked down, trying her best to look discouraged, and stay silent. Yes, all those shows she had watched about teenage mothers had payed off!

_"Aw. Well..All We know is it wasn't us!"_

_"**Yeah. We don't have human reproductive organs."**_

Her eye twitched, ever so slighly at the memory of Zetsu making out with a sunflower, and she slightly scooted away from him, just a bit repulsed.

"I just feel so horrible!"

**_"Well. Atleast your not pregnant."_**

She kept silent, trying so hard not to giggle and sound solem when she spoke back to the green, white and black man.

**_"..."_**

"_You aren't. Right?"_

"..." She still was silent, making him think she was pregnant without saying anything.

**_"Your fucked."_**

_"Hush, Zetsu. I got pregnant once."_

Okay, Sakura couldn't help but drop the act for a split second and look at Zetsu strangely at that piece of information.

_"Plants don't have sexes, Sakura."_

Okay..She knew that. She totally wasn't just thinking he was a transvestite..

"Oh..Uhmm.."

**_"Who was it with though, Sakura-Chan?"_**

The screen door slammed, signaling that someone had come outside. Immediately she saw that it was Kisame, Itachi and Deidara. All laughing over something, probably this mornings incident.

"It was Kisame!" She yelped, pointing at the tall blue man.

An awkward silence ensued, The three newcomers confused and Zetsu, staring at her like she was insane. She grabbed a handful of fruit loops out of the cereal box and shoved them in her mouth, munching kind of crazily to prove his point.

"What the hell, Uhn?"

Kisame looked at Sakura, mouth alightly agape as he grasped the situation.

"I slept with Kisame and now I'm pregnant!"

Automatically Itachi's sharingan flashed, his dark eyes turning red.

"I don't see another chakra inside of you Sakura."

Shit. She couldn't let that Uchiha fuck ruin this.

"Babies don't have chakra this early! I'm a medic, I should know!" Sakura sputtered, and Deidara and Itachi looked back at Kisame.

"Uhh.."

His mouth was still open slightly, and he stayed like that for only a moment longer before it curved in a sharp toothed smile. He stalked his way over to the woman and wrapped his arm around her shoulder as if she were a prize, grinning foolishly.

"Yep, I did her. Didn't know the condom broke though. I_ am _a little rough."

Now it was Sakura's turned to be freaked out. She hadn't expected this.

"Well then.." Itachi just kind of stood there, eyes shifting back and forth between me and Kisame.

"Uhn.." Deidara looked..just messed up.

And Zetsu was farther away than she remembered, all the way across the yard, meditating again.

"So..what are you gunna do with the baby.."

Kisame's grin got wider.

"Keep it, you know. Be a shark daddy."

Sakura glared up at the damned man, glaring at him for going along with it and not freaking out. This was my revenge! But he just flashed his white teeth at me competively, saying something close too 'You can't out do me, Sakura.' with his smile.

"Uhn.."

Itachi patted Deidara on the back, who was still in a bit of a shock and could only say 'Uhn' while looking at Kisame, eye twitching slightly.

"Well. I think me and Sakura need to talk, So bye then!" Kisame picked Sakura up and threw her over his broad shoulder, leaving her breathless and still shell-shocked enough to stay quiet. He took the little pinkette into her room and dropped her on the bed, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. Now the smile was gone.

"What the hell, Sakura. You know we didn't really do it."

And now she was back in control.

Smiling, she put her arms behind her head.

"Maybe we did. You told me that this morning, didn't you?"

"Does finding Nemo porn not mean anything to you?"

"..Thankfully no, Kisame."

Gross.

"Hmph."

Sakura rubbed her belly in soft little circles, teasing him. "I think it kicked Kisame."

Kisame didn't seem very amused, her stance looking more angry and opposing than usual.

"Well. Since this has become a little game."

He got up from his stance against the wall and walked out of the room, grabbing her small little wrist.

"Let's go tell Pein." He snapped.

Oh shit.

She tried to stop him, tugging, pushing, everything anyone could to do a strong man who towered over you. Which actually wasn't much, she found. His Samahade was eating away her chakra faster than she could recooperate, she couldn't even hit him.

"Kisame. What the fuck are you doing to Sakura?"

Hidan sat in the living room as they passed through, cup of coffee in one hand and dango in the other.

"Oh. Going to see Leader."

Kisame shrugged casually, and began walking towards the room he was in before Hidan said something again.

"What did she fuckin' do? Eat your cheerios?"

"Nope. Shes pregnant."

The pair turned to see Hidan spitting coffee all over the couch.

"For who?"

"Me." Kisame rumbled, and Sakura cringed. How far was he gunna take this?

"What..the..hell.."

That seemed to be everyone's favorite sentence today to describe her situation.

"Well, Bye!"

We got closer and closer to Pain's office only to find that he'd gone out from Konan. Sakura felt dizzy after that, and what happened next was a blur. But she remember waking up in her bed again, and it was like the whole joke going back on the poor girl was just a dream. Until she turned over onto a shirtless Kisame, that is.

"Hello Cherry Blossom. Hows' the baby?"

Yeah. Fuck winning.

She ran like hell out of her own room, again, leaving a Kisame who was laughing even harder than the first time. She practically screamed all the details out to the whole base, making sure everyone knew she wasn't really pregnant... but as night fell, tears from the rejected Kisame could only be heard by the night owls who 'whoed' in the distance.

"..I just wanted some lovin'."


	7. Dancin' With The Jashinist

**Disclaimer: Do I look like I own anything? (Naked)**

It was only Sakura, Hidan and Kakuzu in the base at the moment around ten o'clock at night. We didn't have anything fun to do, Kakuzu had gone off to go count his money and Hidan and they were stuck in the living room. Apparently the leaf had gotten a hold of information on where they were and they had to move again, so nothing was unpacked.

Truthfully, Sakura was beginning to really hate the Leaf pursuing us like this.

Sakura sprawled out on the couch and glared at the spot where the TV would be. In it's place sat just a tiny radio that she was too lazy to get off the couch and turn on.

"Dude...I'm fuckin' bored, Sakura."

She looked over at Hidan who was sitting in another chair, stretched out with his hands behind his head.

"We could unpack stuff.."

"Do you really wanna fuckin' do that shit?"

"..No."

Hidan grunted and flicked a speck of dirt off of his cloak sleeve.

"Why aren't you naked?"

"Because I didn't feel like being naked."

"..Oh."

"I could get naked?"

"No thanks, Hidan. Really.."

"Damn."

They sat in a few more moments of silence before Hidan got up and stretched, and turned on the radio. Then he flopped back into the chair, yawning over the noise. It was just commercials, and she began to wonder exactly what station it was, and what it played for music. Rock, pop, gossipal?

_"Hello, This is 99.3 The She, here, rocking you late into the night! Let's see what we have for requests tonight.."_

There was a pause as the sound of shuffling paper came from the speaker, and she decided she'd never heard of 99.3 The She before.

_"Hmm.."_

Hidan's eyes had closed and I could have sworn he fell asleep, that is until music started spilling from inside that small speaker, filling the room.

_"Here's a rare one, Never wanted to dance by MSI." _The host voice boomed, just before the singing started.

_There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself,_  
_There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself,_  
_There is nothing you can DO that I have not already done to myself,_  
_Oh no, there is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself!_

She practically jumped up at the first words, deciding that she wanted to dance to pass the time. It was definitely one of those songs they would play in a club, so she got up and started dancing around the living room much to Hidan's amusement.

_Never wanted to dance with nobody, not you!_  
_Never wanted to dance with nobody but you,_  
_Never wanted to dance with nobody but you-_  
_wouldn't take "no" for an answer, you fucking bitch!_

"The fuck you doing, Pinky?"

He raised a white eyebrow in her direction and she shook her hips to the beat of the song. He never had seen her so loose before, normally she was on the verge of killing half the people in the base. Maybe dancing was a thing she liked to do, Hidan could be on to something with this.

"This is a good song. You don't know what your missing!"

_Be nice!_  
_Be nice to me,_  
_Don't ever be-_  
_Be nice!_  
_Be nice to me,_  
_Don't let me go! (don't let me go)_  
_I am too cool for the second...GRADE!_  
_I'm amazed!_  
_I'm afraid!_  
_I am too cool for the second..GRADE!_  
_There is nothing!-_  
_You can do!-_  
_That I have not already done to myself...HEY!_

She, unsatisfied with the volume that it was at, had to crank the volume up as high as it could go before standing back up to see Hidan standing next to the chair, arms crossed.

"Aren't ya gunna dance with me, Hidan?" She spoke playfully, holding out her hand to the clothed-Jashinist. But to her surprise he actually took it and spun her around the room. She actually found that he wasn't half bad, when he was actually..not naked. She jumped up on the couch, tugging him with her and they jumped around and danced giddily all on and around the couch, laughing almost crazily. If Kakuzu saw them, oh boy.

_There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself,_  
_There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself,_  
_There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself,_  
_No, there is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself!_

He tripped once or twice over the edge of his cloak as they danced, making her laugh even harder. Especially when he tried to act like it had never even happened. That's what most people liked about Hidan, he was always laid back way farther than anyone else in the Akatsuki. It was nice to find someone who wasn't afraid of acting at least a little stupid.

A girl did get bored, you know, living with psychopathic idiots.

_Never wanted to dance with nobody, not you!_  
_Never wanted to dance with nobody but you,_  
_Never wanted to dance with nobody but you-_  
_wouldn't take "no" for an answer, you fucking bitch!_

Hidan grabbed her hand again and jumped off the back of the couch and into the kitchen, swinging the pair around the table with his well-toned arms. Soon enough, they kicked off their shoes into a corner and slid around on the hardwood floor, cloaks fluttering against their ankles.

She let go of Hidan once more he slid towards the fridge and opened it, grabbing an apple and sticking it in his mouth.

_Be nice!_  
_Be nice to me-_  
_Don't ever be,_  
_Be nice!_  
_Be nice to me,_  
_Don't let me go (don't let me go)_  
_I am too cool for the second..GRADE!_  
_I'm amazed!_  
_I'm afraid!_  
_I am too cool for the second...GRADE!_  
_There is nothing..._  
_You can do..._  
_That I have not already done to myself..._  
_Hey... hey... hey... hey..._

He grabbed my arm and we starting doing the tango jokingly, his hands holding mine, our arms outspread, our chests pressed together, the apple acting as a makeshift rose.

We walked foreword, pressing our legs together as we walked like we were one, myself laughing like an idiot as we skidded around on the floor and eventually fell on our asses.

_Never wanted to dance with nobody but you-_  
_wouldn't take "no" for an answer, you fucking bitch!_

Hidan let out a breath as he removed the apple from his mouth, taking a bite out of it and it crunched against his pearly whites.

_Never wanted to dance with nobody, not you!_  
_Never wanted to dance with nobody but you,_  
_Never wanted to dance with nobody but you-_  
_wouldn't take "no" for an answer, you fucking bitch!_

Then the song ended, much to soon for their tastes and Hidan reached down for the pinkette to help her up off the ground.

"_That was Never wanted to dance by Mindless Self Indulgence here on 99.3, The She."_

Sure, they were bummed out as the station went back to commercials, but that feeling was quickly shot when they saw Kakuzu standing in the hallway, hand pressed hard over his mouth as he tried to contain his laughter. Sakura and Hidan had never really seen Kakuzu laugh before, but he actually was laughing..and it was kinda of creepy.

"I-I..Oh god." He sputtered, holding his sides. "I..I can't wait to post this shit on youtube."


	8. Zetsu's Cousin? Hidan's Idea

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything still (Naked..again)**

The Akatsuki sat in the hallway on the ground, excluding Pein, Itachi, Kakuzu and Konan who had went out to shop, bored as hell. Sakura sat in between Zetsu and Deidara, Hidan, Kisame and Tobi across from her. Thy were definitely bored to even be near each other in such a large group. But could you blame them? It was a hot day in June, it wasn't like they wanted to go outside. And the only thing that was on the television was re-runs of Law and Order.

"Dude..I'm fuckin' bored." Hidan cracked his knuckles, yawning after he spoke as if to prove his point.

Sakura stretched out her legs, pushing her feet into Tobi's chest who sat in front of her, panting like a dog.

"Ow, Sakura-Chan!"

"Suck it up, yeah." Deidara was molding a piece of clay between his fingers, not even bothering to look up at Tobi as he scolded him in his bored tone.

_"So what are we going to do?"_

Kisame stretched out his arms and scratched his shoulder. "Dunno."

"I hope Itachi gets poptarts." Sakura grumbled, fiddling with the zipper on her cloak which stuck to her back within the sweat.

Hidan raised his eyebrow as if he had the answer, however, and reached into his cloak pocket with a mischievous expression.

"I got sumfin' better than poptarts."

Everyone looked at the Jashinist expectantly, as he pulled out a bag of substance that looked similar to catnip.

"I got me some fuckin' weed."

Immediately Sakuta could tell this was a bad idea, and started to stand up to walk away when she spotted Kisame and Deidara take some of the pot.

"Guys, Do you really think that's a good idea?" She chided them for even thinking of getting high while on duty. They were S-rank criminals for Kami's sake.

Zetsu reached over and grabbed a pinch of it, smelling it with a concerned face as Hidan rolled a blunt despite Sakura's warnings.

"I think its a fan-fuckin'-tastic idea."

She sat back down and looked at Zetsu as he kept smelling it, hopefully staring as if she might tell them that it was poisoned. The white side's facial expression fell.

_"This smells like our cousin..Jessica.."_

Everyone got a kind of what the fuck look as Zetsu suddenly started spazzing out and crying on Sakura's arm, the black arm flailing around.

_"JESSICA!"_

_**"Will you shut the fuck-" **_

_"Jessssssie!"_

_**"Shut up!"**_

_"!"_

_**"..Bitch.."**_

Sakura looked slightly concerned and attempted to console the wild plant-thing.

"Okay, Okay Zetsu. No ones going to smoke Jessi-"

Too late. Even Tobi had lit a joint and had pushed his mask up over his mouth, dragging off it.

"Tobi is sorry!" He coughed out, after seeing Sakura's deadened expression.

"Do you guys even know what pot can do to you?"

_"Jesssicaaaaa!"_

"It can damage your bodies perman-"

_"Jesssicaaaaaaa..!"_

"And you could di-"

_"Aaa..aaa..aaa..Jess-"_

She slapped her hand over Zetsu's mouth and wrenched him off of her arm arm, the other members smoking and watching her with large milk bowl eyes. If she could get the pot away from them before it effected them enough to make them make even stupider decisions then she might be able to pass them off as normal to Pein. She didn't want to be placed as responsible for their stupidity.

"Come on guys spit it out!"

Kisame blew a rather large cloud of smoke into her face, grinning toothily at her in defiance.

"Nah. We're good."

Smoke rose up and Sakura coughed a bit, narrowing her emerald eyes at all the arrogant fucks at her feet. Zetsu licked her hand though, just as she was about to retort something, and she pulled it away from his mouth with an 'eep.'

_**"You taste like sunflower seeds." **_The white side licked it's lips, smiling at her. Apparently he had completely forgotten about Jessica.

"Uuh.." A look of shock melted over her face, bright enough to almost out glow the look of fear. "That's scary Zetsu.."

Even though Zetsu was pretty nice, he was fucking creepy as hell sometimes. Maybe it was knowing he was a cannibal that turned people off too him, but then again Kisame was a fucking shark. Sakura probably should just except Zetsu completely like she had everyone else.

_"We're going to go feed. Good luck Sakura."_

And then he sunk into the ground, gone most likely, to kill someone and ravange their body and she was left with the group of potheads.

"Great." She voiced her "happy" opinion.

Deidara was staring at his hand mouths with wide eyes, that looked spaced out and innocent. This was turning out to be one of those 'I would have rather stayed in bed' days.

"Duuude..." He spoke really slowly, like he would have trouble talking straight if he talked normally. "My hands..."

Sakue waited for him to say have mouths, because it would be the obvious junkie thing to say.

"Have...little...tiny...lines."

She mentally facepalmed, cusses strewing out from under strawberry scented breath.

"Okay guys. Give me the pot." She held my hand out expectantly as Deidara and Tobi reluctantly handed over their weed but she was soon to find that Kisame and Hidan had smoked all of their pot "rations" up.

"FUCKkK man!" Kisame was giggling and pointing at her shoes for odd, pot related reasons and Hidan had this messed up expression on, poking his roseary.

"Mother fucking bitch...dude...I love this...fucking...rap gangsta necklace."

She raised an eyebrow at Hidan when he started making weird hand signs, and saying peace, and then eventually stood up.

"Brother Hidan in the house! Praise be to Jashin, Yo!"

Yeah. Fuck that, that was her cue to get the fuck out of there.

She locked herself in her room instead, and slept for the rest of the day.


	9. Betrayal!

**Disclaimer: I do not naruto, however, I do own a bag of walnuts, and I would be willing to trade ;D**

"It's time." Kisame's voice boomed darkly as the group gathered in the hallway, all dressed in dark garb. "Two of our members have betrayed us."

"Yes, uhn."

Deidara cracked his knuckles and grinned, an grin so evil it would scare Megatron to the point of shitting...or...spilling oil out of his tank...Something...

Slowly, slowly.. they approached the room where the woman with pink hair sat in her oversized comfy chair, a stitched man next to her on the other much larger chair.

"NOW!" Itachi roared, and they grabbed the people's shoulders, dragging them wildly into the darkened hallway and into Tobi's room, which was set up like a interrogation room. Kakuzu and Sakura were slapped into chairs and strapped down roughly, shooting betrayed glares at the people around them.

"What the fuck is going on?" Kakuzu growled, hands clenching the end of the arms of the chairs.

The straps were chakra restraints, and Sakura could feel the chakra being drained from her as she flexed her hands under the pressure of the restraints. "Yeah, guys seriously."

Hidan stood in front of them, arms crossed and eyes narrowed.

"You fucking rats. You know you know what you did."

Kakuzu and Sakura looked at eachother strangely, kinda the look that said, 'What the hell was going on?'

"What did we do?"

"The worst thing you could ever do, uhn."

"Tobi still doesn't understand why we gotta investigate them in Tobi's room..."

"Shut up, uhn."

Kisame leaned over in Kakuzu's face, shark against rag doll. The odds were hard to count out.

"You hid her!"

"When did we name it her, Sushi-man? What if it's a he?" Hidan grumbled amidst the tough atmosphere.

Kisame rubbed his blue chin thoughtfully, stepping away from Kakuzu for the moment as he pondered that idea.

"Never thought about it."

"Well...It doesn't have a penis, Uhn."

"Tobi thinks it's an it!"

The group sighed at Tobi's obviously childish answer, seeing that the remote couldn't possibly be an it and went on arguing about what the 'it's' sex could possibly be.

"Well I think it's a boy cause it goes to the television. So, the remote is like a penis, and the television could be the vagina." Deidara offered helpfully.

Sakura, annoying, balled her hands up into fists against the cold metal of the chair. "The. Fuckin'. REMOTE?"

The Akatsuki turned towards me and Kakuzu, who was currently cussing a stream of curses so bad, hidan would piss in his boots. If he had boots..

"This has all been about the remote?"

"Yeah you hid it, Uhn."

"Too get back at Itachi for hiding Kakuzu's nail polish."

"And me for wearing your fluffy robe."

Sakura's eye twitched at the memory of Hidan in her robe and she started fidgeting in her cold metal chair as if she were uncomfortable. "I didn't hide the remote."

"Then Kakuzu did!" Kisame yelled, swinging back towards the angry miser.

"I didn't hide crap..Except for Hidan's I heart Lesbo's shirt cause it was creepy. But that's it!"

"Yeah me and Kakuzu didn't hide anything. How do we know it wasn't any of you!"

Kisame, Deidara, Tobi, Hidan and Pein all traded looks.

"Cause he said he didn't." They said in unison.

This wasn't going to end well.

Hidan threw the first punch, which was followed by a few 'You bitches!' before chaos ensued and Kakuzu broke out of his chair. Then he kindly broke Sakura out, and both walked back to the front of the room. But as they were just about to open the door themselves, Zetsu kindly stepped in.

Remote in hand.

Everyone stared at him with bug eyes, so large that they could have been mistaken huge orbs of lights.

_"Look at what I found in the couch."_


	10. Where's My Money At?

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, you faggot.

Sakura bent forward in front of the group of men, her shirt cut awfully low and a cute expression on her face. That's what freaked these guys out, what turned most normal ones on. They were so ass-backwards.

"Move it." Kisame grumbled, clicking the remote at dressed up, and sassy woman like it was going to change what she was wearing.

"Pay first, hunny."

She angled her head just a bit to the side, trying to look seductive while Tobi and Kisame looked at her like she had two heads.

"Tobi wants to see the telleeeee!"

"Tobi knows he has to pay too see the tele because his dumb fucking friends broke it the first time." Sakura cooed ever so sickingly, making Kisame cringe. "You both know Kakuzu and I are still paying off the cost for the new one, and you locked us up for hiding the remote which we didn't do. You owe me."

"But..Tobi.."

Sakura flashed just a bit more cleavage and Tobi spazzed, covering the mask hole with his hands.

"Bad thoughts Sakura-Chan! Tobi doesn't like those thoughts! They're bad!"

Kisame raised his eyebrow at Tobi before digging in his pocket, grumbling, obviously giving up on it.

"Kisame likes those thoughts..Tobi dun know what he's missing."

Then he put money in her small outstretched hand and smiled jokingly, winking his eye before he said something meant to be taken in a wrong way.

"Make me happy, babe?"

She smiled back, causing Tobi to jump and hide behind the couch, hiding his head under his arms. Then, slowly walking over to the television and plugged it in, before moving away from infront of it. Kisame would have to dream on with his blue thirty year old ass.

"Keep dreaming, Old man."

Kisame sighed, surprisingly sounding truly disappointed before changing the channel to some Martha Stewart shit as Tobi crawled back into his spot.

"Well fine then, damn tease."

But she shrugged and walked off into the hallway, counting the money and running into Kakuzu who was waiting for her.

"Got my money?"

"Yeah, yeah. No need to be so tense."

Kakuzu nodded darkly, before taking it from her lithe hand.

"You know what needs to be done." He rumbled, walking towards the door, cloak flowing behind him.

Fuck yeah she did.

They were getting hair extensions.


	11. Moonflower, Death and Ghosts

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

-From the point of view of Sakura.-

I collapsed face first onto the table, sick of hearing about the masked Tobi, who had apparently gone missing.

"Sakura, Wake up, Uhn!"

"Yes, Sakura. This is serious." Pein grumbled, glaring me down.

"Fuck you..I dunno where he went." I growled, rubbing my eyes. Did they not realize that I didn't wanna talk? I wanted to go to god damned bed. It was three in the afternoon on a saturday! This was my bed time, damn it.

Kakuzu sat across from me and next to Itachi, purple extensions in his hair.

"He's been gone for awhile, we all want to blow it off but what If a enemy-nin got him? He could tell them were we are."

I looked down and huffed angrily. Fuckin' Tobi.. "Did you guys check the mailbox?"

"Yeah, Uhn! He wasn't there!"

"And Kisame, you promise you didn't try to send him through the post office to antartica?"

Kisame nodded solemnly, reminded of what happened last time he tried that. Long story short, I ended up pulling a scared and wet Tobi out of a box with serious hypothermia, and a broom pole out of Kisame's ass (literally) after Deidara got done with him. Sure, Deidara picked on Tobi all the time, but he still loved the boy like a brother. Only he could mess with Tobi. The splinters that dwelled deep inside of Kisame's ass proved that point.

Deidara paced back and forth in front of the table like a worried mother.

And that;s when I noticed it.

"Wheres Hidan?"

Kakuzu looked around the room in surprise and got out of his chair. "I thought he was here, he came down with me I swear!"

Pain's ringed eyes narrowed and he sent Kisame and Kakuzu too look for Hidan around the house, before returning his gaze too me and Deidara.

"Are you positive you don't know anything that could lead us to a clue too where they are?"

I nodded, rubbing my sleep-encrusted eyes, and I assumed that Deidara did the same because Pan gave us one last look before walking off.

"We'll tell you if we see anything."

Deidara clenched his fist and plopped into a free chair on the right of me, huffing angrily and muttering.

"Calm down Dei, he said they were looking." I yawned.

"No one cares about Tobi!, Uhn. You know they don't!"

"Calm downnn!" I really wanted to go back to bed, and Deidara's bitching wasn't helping. "I'm sure he just got lost in the woods or something."

Oops.

"Woods? WOODS! Tobi is retarded damn it, he could die!"

I clapped my hands over my ears and fell asleep sitting up in the kitchen, Deidara's screaming being blocked out by my hands, something I was used to doing. Thank god for hands..if I was born armless, I'd have kill myself long ago..Somehow.. Dunno how to kill yourself when you have no arms.

I awoke when my hand slid off of my ear and onto my lap, the impact waking me up. Deidara was still freaking out, but to the other members Zetsu, Kisame and Itachi.(Thank god)

"..Prolly dead, Uhn!"

_"Good morning, Sakura. Or should I say night."_

I looked out the window and saw that it was indeed nightfall, and that the moon hung high in the sky.

"Nnhh..Night."

Itachi turned my way and opened his mouth, about to say something.. but the front door slammed open revealing Tobi and Hidan.

And what a sight it was..

Tobi's arm hung around Hidans shoulder, and nothing was noticably strange at first glance. But once you looked for more than two seconds, you'd see that Hidan was dressed in a french maid outfit. And then you'd see Tobi's long dreadlocks, rainbow headband and the peace sign painted on his mask, his robe missing and himself shirtless.

"Heyyyy mutha fuckas!" Hidan let go of Tobi, throwing his hands in the air like a gangster..which told us he was stoned as hell. He always acted gangster when he was high. The Maid outfit..now that was the real mystery.

Tobi wobbled a bit, before moving his feet around like he wasn't sure if he knew how to stand.

"Keep it calm, man. We're all cool here, all cool." His voice was low as jack-SHIT! It was like a black dudes voice, and I doubted it was even Tobi! And apparently so did Deidara.

"What the fuck Tobi, Uhn!"

Tobi turned his way, slowly.

"Who?"

"Your Tobi, damnitt!"

"We're all connected some ways man, no one has a real name, Man. But you can call me Moonflower, Man."

Deidara hit the ground with the thunk, foot twitching and his hair spread all around him. It had fallen out of it's pony tail.

"He needs to chill, Hidan my main man."

Hidan and Tobi knocked fists.

"He's just a bit too fuckin' wound, Moonflower."

I don't know if Zetsu was squinting over and over again or if each person's eye was twitching, but it looked strange as hell. Itachi stood emotionless as usual, while Kisame just stared in a dumbfounded fashion.

Tobi's eye landed on me and he walked over, Hidan following, walking in a gay sort of way with his hips swinging from side to side.

"Hey. I'm moonflower."

"And I'm Hidan."

I scooted back away from them slightly as Hidan smiled and Tobi's peace sign mask stared at me.

"Uuh...Thats great...I'm, uhm...Marcy?"

Itachi cocked an eyebrow at me and left, ditching me with the high idiots. Why did I always have to deal with the high ones? I looked to Kisame, hoping for support, but all I got was the same dead stare.

"So..Bay-bah. Wanna chill in my fuckin' crib tonight?" Hidan raised a white eyebrow and attempted to push his chest out a bit in the dress. Did I fucking look like a guy to him or something?

"Uuh.."

Hidan got closer and I started to scoot back again in my chair, but 'Moonflower' stood between us.

"Look man, if she doesn't want to join you in a love making ritual then don't go all liberal on us man. Be cool, man."

I was starting to get a headache at Tobi's constant useage of man, worse headaches than listening to Deidara's uhns and yeahs all the time.

"Mannnn... That green dude is just..man.."

That was it.

My fist connected with Tobi's face and he flew into Hidan, and they both landed right smack into the fridge. Hpefullly they passed out though, so I wouldn't have to baby sit them. The perfect chance to sleep without a nasty surprise from Pein. But alas, they got back up giggling.

But oh no..the night got worse.

The wall crumbled, and in the rubble stood Kakashi, Naruto, Sai and Ino, an ink elephant that had just hit the wall splashing back into a puddle of black.

"Oh god! Sakura we found you! Are you okay!" Naruto yelled, waving his hands around in the airwildly, oblivious to the fact that everyone was staring at Hidan and Tobi.

Sai stared at Hidan in a disturbed sort of way, kind of like ' And here I thought Naruto was gay ' way.

"Yo, Home skillet. The fuck you lookin at?" Hidan tilted his nose up and pulled down his skirt a bit, while Tobi spaced out."Moon flower, this bitch is checkin' me out."

'Moonflower' didn't answer, but Kakashi did utter a what the hell in the silence along with a few amens from the rest of Team kakashi.

I slapped my hand onto my forehead. The worst fuckin' time to be high..

"Moonflower? Answer me, bitch!"

Tobi shook his head, dreadlocks bouncing.

"Sorry man, but I had a vision man."

"Oh shit, homie-m. The fuck was it about?"

"It was trippin' man.."

Team Kakashi lowered their kunais and weapons slightly, put off by the fact that they were being ignored and I slumped in my chair, hanging my head.

"Freakin' idiots.."

Deidara sat up slowly, Zetsu staying still and still squint/twitching.

"Erh..head hurts.." He looked around, eyes half closed. "Sakuraaaa-Chan..do your thingggg.."

Was he fucking stupid? No, I'm sorry wait. They all were stupid!

"Do you not see the damn enemies over there?"

Deidara's eyes snapped open wide and Zetsu finally turned to face her.

"No!"

Their movement caught Team Kakashi's eyes while Tobi and Hidan argued about his 'vision' and Ino gasped when she saw Deidara, hand over her own mouth.

Their hair..

Sai looked back and forth between them countless times, before yelling that they must have been related. This of course, made Deidara mad that a girl looked like him.

And of course, when a man gets mad like Deidara, things must explode.

I was smart enough to run away the first second he got that manic look, and crawl into an underground safe where Kisame kept all his porn under the sink. But not the rest, and alas the Akatsuki and Team Kakashi died in a huge explosion. And so I sat in the underground safe, watching old porn movies and eating out of Kisame's cheeto stash until I ran out of porn and food to have to leave.

Yes, I bet your wondering why I decided to stay there, and live there.

Well, as you can see, I had my fill of men enough for my whole entire life. Porn is much better, like Kisame said. And now that those dumb asses were all dead, I was free.

I sat on the couch that was already in the room, watching an elf make love to a leperchaun. (Who knew that blue guy was into this kind of shit?) Life was good, no men, no responsibilities, no relentless stalkers from the leaf.

Life was really good.

"Pass the cheetos, Man."

"Yeah sure." I dropped the chips into Tobi's hands, but the bowl fell right through his body and my head snapped up to see him on the couch.

"Hello, man."

I hadn't thought of ghost men.. how the fuck did you get rid of THAT?

A wicked smile creeped across my lips and the still high ghost Tobi looked a bit scared.

"Goodbye, Moonflower." I picked up the phone. "Hello, Ghostbusters?"


	12. Oh my Jashin! They Return!

A/N_: Hey all, I decided to combine the Phantom Akatsuki with the original story, seeing as not a lot of people were finding it ;[ Here it is, and thank you for the 170 reviews._

**Disclaimer: I don't own crap, But I want plenty. :D**

"Hello, Ghostbusters?"

The phone was tugged from my grasp as the person on the other end replied, the phone hanging itself up on the base. Sakura watched it with amazement, the phone dangling by itself in the air for a split second before dropping down with a click.

"Wha-"

"Bad idea, man. Itachi is pretty pissed, man."

Tobi tilted his head to the side as he looked at me, and I stared back at him with wide green eyes, finally completely grasping the situation. Well..stared back through him anyway.

"He can't wear thongs anymore, man. It's bad, man."

The television flickered off, leaving the room in darkness and a shiver went down Sakura's spine.

"H-hello?"

Sakura reached into her backpack that held the porn and pulled out a flash light, swinging it around the room wildly.

"Moonflower, what's going on?"

No answer.

"Moonflower?"

Nothing.

"Tobi?"

"Hello, Uhn."

"Deidara?"

"No, Kisame. Who the hell do you think it is?"

The television turned back on and the Akatsuki were all piled on the couch, staring at Sakura with an amused expression as she huddled in corner, porn bag held tightly in her arms.

"B-but..you guys..are dead.."

"Yep." Kisame yawned, a bored expression across his pale-blue face.

"Why a-are..you here then?"

"We got bored, Uhn."

Itachi grunted and stood infront of her, moving across the room in an instant.

"You need to bring us back to life. Now."

"B-but..I don't know how.."

He leaned down in her face, maybe in an attempt to be frightening.

"Call the ghostbusters."

"But I just did and-"

"Do it again."

He stood back up and moved to the side, looking at her expectantly as she stood up behind him, slowly walking towards the couch that had the phone on a table next to it. But just as she touched the phone, she picked up the table and whipped it at Kisame, Who it amazingly hit with a thunk. Kisame flew backwards in the pressure of the hit though, and the couch flew backwards in the impact, taking down a bunch of groaning men with it.

"You wont take your porn back Kisame! I worked hard for this life, I ain't bringing you all back you bastards!" Sakura screamed, head tossed back towards the ceiling. She was prepared to pull out a can of whoop-ass on these ghosts.

They all groaned and writhed on the floor after falling, Itachi watching what was playing out with mild interest.

"Kami, can't you take a joke?"

"Yeah, Sakuraaaa." Tobi whined. "We're not really dead."

"Wait.. wait..What?"

"We're not dead. It was a joke." Itachi said blankly. (Itachi knows the meaning of joke..O_O?)

Sakura's grip on the porn bag tightened as the men pulled the couch back up in the cramped room, and sat on it again with a varying mix of angery, bored and unaffected faces.

"Where have you guys been then..and how did Tobi look see-through..and how did the phone move then! And why did you want me to call Ghostbusters?"

"Well.. Tobi's special jutsu is being able to be see though." Tobi said, throwing his hands in the air and whapping Deidara and Zetsu in the face along the way.

"Everything about Tobi is special." Hidan snickered. "Sped special, right Tobi?"

"Wooo!" Tobi threw his hands in the air again, hitting Zetsu square in the jaw.

_"Tobi.."_

"Oh oh oh..And Tobi and us have been under your couch, Yes yes, Yes we wa-." Zetsu's hands wrapped around Tobi's neck, cutting him off and dragging him off the couch.

"We didn't really want you to call Ghostbusters eithers.." Kakuzu grumbled. "Wouldn't wanna pay for the call. Do you know how expensive that shit is?"

"Back up." Sakura narrowed her eyes and stepped out from her fetal position in the corner. "You were under the couch? How the fuck did you fit?"

Kisame smiled, his sharp white teeth shining in the dim light.

"I've always fit nicely into tight places. If you catch my drift."

"Yeah! Tobi Remembers when you fit in that vent!"

_"I don't think that's what he meant...Tobi..."_

"I like your taste in porn Sakura, Yeah."

_**"Yeah. Never would of thought you liked to watch chairs fuck, too."**_

"Chairs can reproduce?" Pain tilted his head in a confused way.

"They do, how do you think we got so many!" Hidan said, hands resting on his hips. "They don't just fucking appear out of nowhere."

Sakura wobbled slightly, holding her head as she looked disbelievingly at the idiots infront of her. Here she had thought she had gotten rid of the bastards and was going to live a happy porn filled life with chocolate and cheese-its.

"Why does god hate me?"

"You see... this is why you should let me convert you to Jashinism."


	13. Let's learn about Hidan today, Mom!

**Disclaimer: I don't own shit. Except this story. Which is kind of like shit.**

_- Some odd days after the Akatsuki return -_

"Okay, Okay. I know that it was our fault we hid under the couch for three years, But Sakura wasted over six thousand dollars from our fund. I thought getting money was one of your steps to ruling the world or whatever." Kakuzu grumbled.

Pain's eyes narrowed as what The Akatsuki in front of him where saying sunk into his brain.

"She should get punished or something at least!"

_"She pissed in our flower pots.."_

"Who knew Sakura was so fucking hot while she pissed though?" Hidan chuckled.

"You actually watched that, yeah?"

"I'm into alot of shit, Blondie. I get every woman I look at because of it too."

The other argument between Kakuzu, Kisame, Itachi and Pain stopped as they looked at Hidan, eyebrows cocked.

"Yeah right Hidan. You always get punched out at bars." Kisame snorted.

Hidans response was a lustful growl from the pit of his stomach and a rough sounding 'But that's the way I like it.'

Pain looked vaguely disturbed at the bit of information about Hidan's sex life, making a mental note to never invite the man to any parties of his.

"Hey, you fucks. Stop looking at me like that. C'mon Kakuzu, back me up. I'm a sexy beast right?"

"..."

Hidan looked at Kakuzu who stood there, still staring at the jashinist with an eyebrow arched, eye twitching slightly until his face relaxed and he smiled from underneath his mask. Now, as your wondering why I'm explaining such an insignificant movement, I must remind you that Kakuzu never smiles unless his hair extensions are half off at Wal-mart. And in the other rare cases in which he smiles, is either when Hidan gets his ass kicked or he finds a way to piss Hidan off.

This was one of those rare cases.

"Hey, Hidan?"

"Huh?"

"Member that chick that we had to escort to the Land Of Rain once? The one you said 'had an ass worth three Jashin bibles?'"

"Uh. Yeah, Your fucking point? She was hot."

"Member how you tried the whole mission to get in her pants?"

Some of the Akatsuki looked at Kakuzu instead of Hidan, trying not to laugh desperately as they learned new tidbits of information.

"Uhm. I wasn't trying to bang her or anything. It was more like .."

"More like what, Hidan?"

Hidan gave Kakuzu a dirty look before answering Kisame.

"Fuck. Okay, yeah I was trying to fuck her. Your point, Kakuzu?"

"I just wanted to tell you that if you nibble on a certain part of her stomach, she makes this really cute mewling soun-"

Hidan practically lunged at Kakuzu, his lips pulled back in an animalistic snarl as he leaped at the older man.

"You mother fucker!"

But he was sorely mistaken that he could take Kakuzu, who moved out of the way and let the Jashinist smack into the wall, laughing at his anguish.

"Are you two done?" Pain sighed.

Kakuzu just stood in silence while an injured Hidan sat up and mumbled about letting fireman hookers molest Kakuzu in his sleep later that night.

"Yeah yeah, We're done. Kakuzu, you better sleep with your eyes open tonight though."

"Shut up, Hidan."

Itachi rolled his eyes and turned away from the Zombie brothers to his leader.

"Sakura should be punished. We all agree."

"And how will you punish her?"

Hidan's face contorted into a devious grin and he looked at Kisame, who shared a grin close to the same proportions.

Pain just mimicked Itachi's rolling eyes and walked from out of the living room, muttering something about hiring new members to fill in for the ones that might 'end up' dead.

"Jeesh Kakuzu, Uhn. You put a dent in that wall with Hidan's hard head. It's a new lair, I'm surprised Leader didn't bitch about it."

Hidan snarled at Deidara, his temper apparently short that night, before turning his glare to Kakuzu, just daring him to say something. But the taller man just grunted and turned away from Hidan.

"How are we going to get Sakura back?"

"I don't even get why you guys are mad at Sakura."

Kisame looked at Itachi in a sort of 'Wtf' way, like he was missing the big picture or something.

"She looked at all of my porn and ate my cheetos. Not to mention your dango, Itachi."

"DANGO." Itachi sort of twitched, eyes going pupiless and his head hanging to the side, before foaming at the mouth with a dead stare at Kisame.

"What the fuck?" Hidan jabbed his finger into Itachi's cheek, but alas had no reaction. "The fuck did you do to him, Kisame?"

"Watch, When he snaps out of it, he'll be in a killing mood and ell tell us how to punish her."

"And you know this how, Uhn?"

"Remember the hurricane that hit the Land Of Snow?"

"Yeah..Everyone was talking about it because it's near impossible that the land of snow would have a hurricane."

"Itachi got some bad dango there."

"Your shitting me, right?" Hidan's white eyebrow was arched, his face scrunched into a 'I don't fucking believe you' look.

"Nope."

Everyone kind of stood infront of Itachi with a disturbed look in the growingly awkward silence after that conversation, images of what he could do to them running through their head.

And then Deidara and the until now silent Tobi jumped when Itachi spoke, Tobi shrieking like a hooker who lost their morning waffle.

"K-k..kill..Must..kill..Sa..ku..ra.."

Kisame and Hidan touched either side of the still foaming at the mouthed Itachi, smiling again.

"We have something that will bother her even more than death, Itachi."

"Hm?"

Itachi smiled with them after listening to their plan, wiping the foam on Kisame's sleeve. This was going to be good.

Sakura lay in her new bed, grumbling about the Akatsuki being alive and how it was a nuisance. The whole Akatsuki except Itachi, Tobi and Pain had been avoiding her and she couldn't tell why. And to tell the truth, it sort of hurt. She was used to joking around with the fucks, even if they were retarded. And the thought of current friends brought her to thoughts about the Leaf and Team 7, thoughts that she had long since thought about. She wondered if they survived Deidara's explosion as well. Probably. They always seemed to survive anything anyone threw at them. Hell, Kakashi survived death!

Her thoughts were broken by the authors distressed call that was written in the para..XD Lmao no. Just kidding, pretend this sentence didn't happen.

Sakura's thoughts were broken when a loud knock came from the other side of her door.

"Come in."

Kisame walked in, smiling in a sort of calm way. It was sort of..Scary.

"Hey. Whatcha doing?"

"Uhm..nothing really. Just laying down for a bit."

"Oh. The move must have been tiring for you."

Sakura looked at him in an odd way. Kisame was having a normal conversation with her. _Normal. Conversation._ Those two words never go with Kisame. He's NEVER normal, and conversations end quickly with him if he's not interested. Being around the normally silent Itachi must have rubbed off on him.

"..Yeah. I guess."

"Hey, Sakura?"

"Hm?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to go to the club with us."

"Uhm..I thought banned you guys from going clubs ever since Hidan got drunk and tried raping the mayor of that town."

Kisame looked at her in a weird way, He was learning many things about Hidan today.

"No..We're aloud too." His look was normal again.

"Oh..Okay..I guess I can go.."

"Okay."

And then he was gone.

But Sakura was suspicious even though Kisame had been kind to her. What the hell was he planning?


	14. Body Buddyz

**Disclaimer: I don't own nuffin'. Cept' yer soul.**

"Seduction is the way we'll have to get her." Hidan said, arms crossed over his chest.

Sakura looked at herself in the mirror, spinning in a circle and watching her red dress swish around her hips. It poofed out at the bottom a bit and only went down to her knees, but it was flattering she guessed.

She hadn't gone to a club in a long time, and though she was still suspicious of the sudden all too friendly men, she still wanted to look nice. She'd seen those chicks that went to clubs and didn't give a damn what they wore. No one wanted to dance with them. Or they just dressed really slutty and got laid.. But that was beyond her point.

Sakura inched her way down the stairs, her tall red high heels clicking against the wooden stairs and lithe legs appearing pale against the red of her dress. She had a red hairclip holding up her pink hair, with red lipstick to seal the whole outfit. She hoped that she looked good..

Itachi and Deidara were at the bottom of the stairs, one of those rare times where they got along she supposed. Deidara had his long hair down for once, headbang replaced with a sweat band and his akatsuki cloak replaced with a black t-shirt, a net shirt underneath with black skinny jeans. He looked..pretty good.

Itachi's hair was up as usual, and he had clothes on similar to Deidara's except for the necklace around his neck that looked sort of like small handcuffs being attached together.

"Hey Sakura-Chan, Uhn."

I smiled at him nervously wringing my hands together infront of me. Something was just off about all of this...

"I hope you guys don't get drunk." I said, lamely.

Itachi shrugged and leaned against the banister of the stairs, yawning before Sakura turned to Deidara, and he practically glared a hole in her back muttering something about Dango.

"Were's Hidan and Kakuzu?"

Deidara looked up the stairs.

"They're coming. Pain isn't coming, neither is Konan or Zetsu, yeah. I don't know about Tobi, I haven't seen him all day. Kisame is coming though, uhn."

Soon enough Kisame went screetching down the stairs, with black pants and a black vest (No shirt I mind you), already dirty dancing in a circle around Deidara with a bottle of sake.

"Damn. You just can't wait huh Kisame?" Itachi said, looking boredly at his blue partner.

Kisame started dirty dancing behind me after Deidara pushed him away, grinding on my leg and singing 'Man, you feel like a woman' before I punched him out. It was just kind of disturbing to have some dude up against you like that. Especially a fish boy..who normally wanked off to Finding Nemo..

Hidan rolled down the stairs after Kisame fell over, well more like Hidan, Kakuzu stomping down the stairs after Hidan who was cussing Kakuzu out with every swear possibly ever made. Everyone just sighed a bit. Them beating the fuck out of each other wasn't new.

Kakuzu didn't have a mask on for once, and short spiky hair hanging over one eye. It was dead black, the fringed strands hanging to his shoulders and shining slightly in the light. His pants where black, like everyone else, and his shirt was a black turtle neck. You'd think these guys would wear something other than black.

Hidan, of course, is an exception because I simply didn't know if he was a normal guy or not.

"Jashin, Kakuzu. You got fuckin' dirt on my shirt."

Hidan stood up and brushed off his pink tube top. He stood tall in black thigh high boots with pink laces, black daisy dukes, pink belt, pink tube top and black earrings. Everything he wore was pink and black. 'Matches my eyes' He says. The amazing thing was, no one cared that he was cross dressed except Kakuzu sometimes. Everyone only cared when the shorts got so tight that you could see his tattoos, that's what really disturbed us. Hell, we were even getting used to him walking around naked.

"Where's Tobi?" Kakuzu asked, breaking my thoughts.

Deidara just shrugged just as Tobi walked down the stairs. He was in his casual clothing, orange mask and a shirt held together by needles, green scarf and black gloves.

"Tobi needs to go to a store before we go, guys."

"What the fuck! Hell no! I want to dance."

"Tobi needs this!"

The group groaned as Tobi skipped out the door, humming the YMCA song under his breath with an evil undertone.

"Tobi, I didn't bring any money." Kakuzu sighed, shoving his hands in his pocket as he followed the overactive man. "I can't find my wallet."

Hidan started snickering as he walked next to me, Deidara standing on the other side of Hidan, pulling a familiar worn leather wallet from the crotch of his daisy dukes and shoving it in Deidara's face.

"What the fuck, uhn?"

Hidan snickered again and stuck Kakuzu's wallet back in his shorts as Tobi stopped infront of a book store, smashing his face against the glass door. The store, sadly enough for Tobi, was closed.

"That sucks Tobi." Kisame said half heartedly, looking down the street in the direction of the club, the loud music blasting from inside the large building.

"Tobi needs a bookkkk."

"We can just break in later, uhn."

"Tobi needs a book now."

"No." Itachi barked, his sharigan eye twitching. "We need to do our _stuff_, Tobi. Now. I can't wait."

Kakuzu looked in Itachi's direction warningly, before Hidan jumped through the glass door, smashing glass all over inside of the building.

"What the _fuck, _Hidan?" Hidan just got up and dusted himself off, before smiling at the group behind him and walking deeper into the closed store.

"You guys wanted to get your shit done. C'mon Tobi let's go."

Tobi jumped in the building with his hands up above his head, screetching thank you Hidan over and over again in a high voice while the rest of the group followed behind, Itachi off to search for a broom.

"You guys know they'll be wanted money to repair that door, right?" Kakuzu said quietly.

But everyone ignored the tall stitched man as Itachi swept up the glass and Deidara, Tobi, Kisame and Sakura started digging through books. Hidan just sat up on the counter, looking boredly across the dark room.

"Why the fuck do people buy these things?"

"Because some people actually learned to read, Hidan, Unlike your ghetto ass." Itachi mumbled as he dumped the glass bits into a trash can by the counter, trying not to cut his hands.

"What was that weasel boy? If you remember, I'm the fucking reason you guys got into this joint. A little respect, man."

Itachi just rolled his eyes and walked away to Sakura, who was reading some medical books.

Kisame leaned on the bookshelf Tobi was standing at, trying to read a book called 'One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.' It was a little bit above his reading level though..

"Tobi..Hey Tobi."

Tobi looked up at Kisame with a whine, holding a counting book in his right gloved hand.

"Whaaat?"

"What's this word?"

Kisame showed Tobi the book and pointed at the word 'This,' to which Tobi freaked out and told Kisame that it was a bad word spelled backwards.

"What word?"

"Tobi can't say Kisame. It's bad!"

"Fuck?"

Tobi gasped and fell back a bit, hands clamping over his ears.

"No Kisame! Bad word! Dont say that!"

"Is it bitch?"

"No!"

"Shit?"

"..Yes."

Kisame just rolled his eyes and closed the book as Tobi ran away. But what no one noticed was that Kisame stuck the book in his pocket, mumbling something along the lines of 'Damn hot fish in that book.' He stalked over to Kakuzu who was digging through a big book bin towards the back of the store, wondering how the hell this had turned from a night at the club to a sort of library night. Except they weren't at the library. And they were stealing the books.

"Whatcha doing Kakuzu."

Kakuzu just shrugged and murmured 'Just looking' before diving back into the bin.

Tobi walked over timidly, standing next to Kisame and looking at Kakuzu dig. It was sort of entertaining in a way, the way he looked for books.

"What are you looking for, uhn?"

Deidara was attracted by the movement from Kakuzu, Kisame guessed, and he made room for the blond man to stand.

"I..thought I saw a book with me on it."

Hidan snickered from the other side of the room at that comment.

"Like anyone would put an old fuck on a book."

Kakuzu snorted and dug in the bin again while Itachi and Sakura read their medical books. And it took awhile but eventually, everyone was gathered around the bin except Hidan as Kakuzu hollered 'FOUND IT!'

He held the cover to his face, eyes squinting at the cover. The book..was called 'Body Buddyz' and it had himself and..Hidan on it..

The components quickly added up in Kakuzu's head and he gagged slightly.

"What the fuck?"

Tobi and Kisame looked over Kakuzu's shoulder as Kakuzu flipped through the pages, before Tobi fell to the ground and let out an ear piercing scream.

"My virgin EYES!"

"Damn.. Just..Damn. I wouldn't even touch that Kakuzu, and I love porn."

Hidan raised a white eyebrow before stomping over and snatching the book from Kakuzu's dejected hands. He held it up infront of him (And the other members to see) as he flipped through sixty wonderful pages of Kakuzu raping Hidan, his purple eyes getting bigger with every page.

"Who the _fuck_ drew this?"

"I don't know, uhn. But whoever did was a great artist. She made you guys look great."

Kakuzu stiffened the second those words came out of Deidara's mouth.

"I..I think one of my hearts just seized."


	15. Plan FAIL

_A/N: Hey guys! Sorry I've been away for so long, I sort of got distracted with school and drama. If you've noticed, I changed my username from PsychoxKillerxFreak too Killer-San. I hope this won't cause any confusion, I'm just looking for a new start and a chance to rewrite some of my stories. Fan art for my work would be greatly appreciated, I've been losing reason to keep writing fanfiction. Maybe I'm just depressed, some bad things have been going on lately. Alas' I know that you are not here for me. You are here for the Akatsuki, and without further await, I present the next chapter of Akatsuki Moments to you._

**Disclaimer: I don't own shit, ever so sadly.**

The group slipped through the streets with a ghostly like appearance. They moved so slick, and dangerously, one couldn't tell that they were all psychos from afar. One would think that they were hardcore bad ass ninja. One must be very, _very_ blind.

"Tobi doesn't understand why you had to blow up the bookstore, Kuzu-Sama."

"Because god hates you, Tobi."

Tobi cocked his head to the side, looking up at Kakuzu through the quarter-sized hole in his mask. "Oh, that old bitch? He sure loved me last night."

There was that awkward moment of silence as his words settled in, and Sakura couldn't help but mutter a "what the fuck" in the quiet. That was definitely not a Tobi thing to say, but Tobi only continued on his way towards the club at the end of the street and asked Deidara if he brought Tobi's crayons like he had never said anything at all.

"Erm, yeah. I brought your crayons.."

Deidara motioned to Hidan's pink leather purse which bounced against Hidan's skirt clad hip, but Tobi declined to go anywhere near that. God knows where anything on Hidan's body had been.

The group finally approached the club, after a time that seemed like forever, and they got in rather easily for their likes. Most clubs they weren't allowed into, but it might of helped that Kisame punched the guard in the face and Deidara threatened that if he didn't let the group in he'd learn what ass splinters felt like before the guard had even told them if they could go in or not. Oh well, either way someone was gunna get hit.

The music bounced against the plastered walls, and the S-rank criminals that slipped into the colorful rooms of the Tenchin Club. Their plan was forming, and their prey had no idea of their attack plan as they separated off into groups. Her hips swung to the beat of the music, Sakura had decided to stay on the dance floor and enjoy the night while the predators stood in await.

The only thing that would deter their plans would be the bar, and that well muscled man that was working his way towards their pinkette. Ten minutes in, and Kisame was already piss pot drunk with Tobi who was learning how to huff paint from the ravers towards the back of the club. Just, great.

Deidara stalked his way through the dancing people, searching for his partner on this particular "mission" Itachi. If you haven't guessed this yet, the Akatsuki didn't just come here to dance. Well, aside from Sakura. This was their revenge plan, and already it was falling apart.

"Well, hello there Sakura."

She flung herself around, and sized up the man who had strangely known her name, dragging her emerald green eyes up and over his attractive form. It was distracting how.. attractive he was. She had almost forgotten to question him as to how he had known her name.

"Yes?" She answered, having to strain her voice to be heard over the music.

He only smiled at her, and continued to dance around her, his ivory black locks fluttering in front of his face every now and then as his head bobbed up and down to the music. The pair didn't notice Deidara's most jealous face in the crowd of people around them.

His looks were hauntingly familiar, almost like she had seen this man before. The thought rushed back to her, reminding her that she probably had if he knew her name. Then, there was that killer instinct. She was an Akatsuki Member now.

"How do you know my name?" His smile turned just a bit more cocky, if that was possible, and he started to dance even closer to the growingly irritated pinkette.

When his hand brushed her side, Deidara just couldn't take it anymore. But he wouldn't be the one to make the move like he planned. Sakura? Well. Her elbow went straight into the man's crotch and he hit the ground like a rock. That wasn't the odd thing, however. It was the smoke that rose up around him in a swirl, revealing him as someone who Deidara had just been looking for.

Itachi.

But, Sakura wasn't as angry as one would have thought. She was angrier. This was definitely what Itachi got for not following the plans and going off on his own to get his own revenge on her. Maybe lying and saying something about his Dango had been too much motive..

"So, this was the revenge plan, huh?"

"Nn...my balls..."

Obviously, Itachi wasn't in any mood to be answering the angry medic, so her head turned up to Deidara, but he was already gone. Who the hell would want to stay around an ass kicking medic ninja? Especially a pissed one.

Deidara looked around, but he couldn't see anyone from the Akatsuki. Except for Hidan, but he was..erm..pole dancing. And Deidara just wasn't going to go near that, even when Hidan bent over and..

No. Just no.

Deidara nose dived in the opposite direction.

He had taken off towards Tobi and ..Kakuzu? Who were..raving? Kakuzu's hands flailed around his head as he head banged and really hot chicks covered him in glow in the dark paint, but that wasn't anything compared to Tobi. Sure, Deidara was jealous of Kakuzu's hot chicks, but Tobi. He was rocking the fuck out, mask off and completely covered in glow paint.

"Erm.. I don't think I'm gunna get any help from here, yeah."

He turned, but was attacked by Tobi who grabbed him and started dragging him back into the group with hot chicks, which Deidara wouldn't have minded if he wasn't currently running from a pissed off, psychotic,pink-headed bitch who wanted to kill him.. And speaking of the she-devil, Sakura came busting right into Kakuzu, clawing the fuck out of his chest while people danced around them.

This, this was going to be a long night. Longer than the night when Sakura got her period and ran out of pads.


	16. Dango, Sakura's secret lover

**Disclaimer: I don't own nuffin'.**

"Sakura, do you know the muffin man?"

"Shut up, Tobi. I'm asking the fucking questions here."

Sakura had officially rounded up every single person from the Akatsuki and tied them up in the back alley way of the club by herself. She was _that_ pissed off.

"But..Sakura-Chan.. The muffin man!"

"I said_ shut up, Tobi._"

The glow paint covered man looked up at Sakura, and whined, but didn't say anything else in fear of only making her angrier.

"Alright. So what's this revenge shit, huh?"

She bent over in front of Hidan, presumed the loud mouth, and gave him a long hard look. He only avoided her glare, however, and looked to the ground instead of locking eyes with her like she wanted him too. And after the longest while, she gave up and took it a step forward. Her fingers entwined in Hidan's hair, and she brought a kunai from her leg holster that she had on. It was kind of surprising that she had one on, seeing as her dress was so short. But that was the magic of Sakura, she always had a weapon hidden somewhere, even when she was naked.

But that wasn't the point.

She brought the kunai blade up to Hidan's throat, and sneered down at the other petrified men.

"If you don't tell me what the fuck is going on, I'll kill Hidan, and you won't be able to eat home cooked food _ever again._"

Her voice had an ominous quality to it that frankly scared the shit out of the rest of the men, which was really bad considering losing Hidan who was the only person who cooked in the Akatsuki had already scared them. Even though Hidan was immortal, when Sakura was pissed..anything was possible.

"Okay, Okay! I'll tell you."

Everyone turned to face the one who had spoken, which was surprisingly Itachi.

"I'll tell you for the dango.."

Of course, Hidan was the one who cooked Itachi's dango. He would do anything to save Hidan, just for the sticky sweet dango.

"We were going to seduce you, then reject you to hurt your feelings for eating my dango, Sakura."

He looked up towards her with his onyx colored eyes, possibly waiting for the pinkette to slit his own throat instead of Hidan's, but he was surprised when the ropes that held him captive disappeared in a frenzy of smoke. For a moment, he would have liked to believe that she hadn't just released him so he would be in a better position for her to slug him, but alas.. he was wrong.

Her fist swung around and immediately met his nose, much to his dismay, and he hit the floor flying.

"You did all this shit because of DANGO? You all were 'dead' for at least two-three years! It would have gone bad anyway."

Itachi, taking this into consideration, sat up and rubbed his ever so sore nose. The rest of the Akatsuki were left to watch, starstruck while Sakura mumbled to herself and glared at the idiots, her foot tapping against the cement ground with an unholy distinction to the sound.

"You have three fucking minutes to apologize, before I do something that you'll really regret.."

There was two seconds of shocked momentarily silence from the men, which was a lot less than three minutes. But apparently, to Sakura, they had waited too long to bed forgiveness from the angry pinkette, and well..

A can of whoop ass was opened.

Well, as you can imagine, Sakura was pretty angry, and killed every single member of the Akatsuki that was there in the wake of her anger. Yes, killed. This led to the end of any threat to the Leaf from the Akatsuki, and she was able to come back to the Leaf as a hero. No one would ever know that the real reason the boys from the Akatsuki died would not be because Sakura was some spy, but dango, Sakura's secret lover in the Akatsuki. Itachi had just gotten in Sakura's way to the sweet, sticky treat one too many times. Always pronouncing his love for Dango, and such.

Dango was Sakura's lover, not Itachi's, and he learned that the hard way.

..Bitch.

_A/N: xD Wellp. I ended this. Finally. After so long. If you still hunger for more, HOWEVER. PLEASE look for Akatsuki Moments: The Pink Streak as a prequel to this story._


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